Victory…

My breakthrough came in 1997. I had left the full time ministry some 18 years earlier, having been discouraged by a failed pastorate. We were lied to, lied about, abused, mistreated – you name it, it happened to us. I was so discouraged, I returned to secular industry for 20 years, only to fall deeper and deeper into depression. My anger at being disappointed poisoned my relationship with my daughters and drove them from me and from Christ.

In 1997 I told the Lord, “If you give me back my daughters, I’ll surrender my life to your will.” He responded in my heart, “Surrender to My will for your life and trust Me for your daughters.” Shortly thereafter, I called both my daughters and asked them to forgive me; thankfully, they both did.

We began the search for a church and in September 2000 accepted a pastorate here in Oklahoma. In November 2000, my father-in-law died and I did the funeral. After the funeral, Rachel (my first borne) asked to talk to me later that evening. We did talk and two weeks later she began attending church in Austin, recommitting her life to Jesus.

She wrote an email to her friends telling them of her decision to return to the faith of her childhood. She said that the major breakthrough for her was in seeing the love of God in her father – that he (I) was no longer angry, but that now he (I) was filled with the love of God.

She sent me a copy of the email and I cried, realizing that God had begun His work in my life, answering my prayer to trust Him for my daughters. What I didn’t realize was that at the same time I was trusting Him for His work in my life.

Victory had begun in my life, by the grace of God and by the power of the Holy Spirit. Because I had submitted to His plan and purpose for my life, my depression diminished almost completely. I still suffer from periods of depression, but I can tell you that it is mostly from a lack of trust. Now you might think that a lack of trust is not something pastors struggle with; but you would be wrong. I would venture to suggest that all pastors, from time to time, suffer from the same.

God is faithful; we have every reason to trust Him and no reason to doubt Him. He has proven His faithfulness in my life over and over again. I am grateful that His work in my life is not dependent upon my faithfulness, but rather it is dependent upon His faithfulness; and He is faithful.

I’ve still got a long way to go. I’m not who I’m supposed to be, and I’m not yet what I’m going to be, but by the grace of God I’m not who I used to be. And I, like Paul, “…press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:14).