I grew up in a home full of violence and anger. Family holidays were times of arguing and fighting – we put the “D” in dysfunctional. So, anger became a learned trait for me. I dealt with every issue, every problem, every issue with anger.
Coming to know Jesus as Saviour, I soon learned that anger was something that I would struggle with even as a Christian. The shame I felt was, at times, overwhelming. How could God use me? How could this work together for my good?
I have found that anger stems from at least two issues: Un-forgiveness and disappointment.
Un-forgiveness:
When you hold onto anger, you run the risk of a root of bitterness chocking out the grace of God in your life. You find yourself angry, not only at the one who wronged you, but also at those you love. You take your anger out on those around you, poisoning them with your bitterness in the process. The most ridiculous things can set you off; spilled milk (literally!); traffic (why do all these idiots need to be on the road and in my way?); anything and everything can and will set you off. The result is that you will soon find yourself alone.
There is a sick pleasure in holding on to un-forgiveness; after all, they have hurt or wronged you and therefore deserve your contempt and anger. Un-forgiveness stems from a lack of understanding the depth of forgiveness God has towards you.
Jesus in the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant, tells the story of a man who was forgiven an immeasurable debt only to refuse to forgive one who owed him $25. The result? “Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?' And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. ‘So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.’” (Matthew 18:32-35, NKJV). I do believe that only those who have been forgiven can truly forgive; therefore if you cannot (or will not) forgive others, you must ask yourself, “Am I really saved?”
The problem is that there are those who call themselves Christians who deny major parts of the Bible they disagree with – those parts that threaten their desire to hold grudges or harbor hates or bitterness. Now, how can one call themselves a Christian and harbor these feelings? There are those who say they have forgiven others, yet they refuse to forget the sin against them. You cannot forgive without forgetting. Jeremiah writes of the forgiveness that God gives to those who seek his forgiveness: “For I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.” (Jeremiah 31:34, NKJV).
So how do you forgive others? Only by realizing the depth of sin that God has forgiven you. David refused to forgive his son, Absalom, for the murder of his other son Amnon (who had raped Absalom’s sister, Tamar. David allowed Absalom to return to
Disappointment:
Disappointment can, and often does, lead to anger issues. There are many disappointments in life, even in the life of the Christian. There are things that our heavenly Father knows that we should not have in life. In His love, he has denied us these things, knowing that they can hinder us in our relationship with Him.
Disappointment comes from a variety of sources; people fail us; people lie to us; people make promises they cannot keep. When they fail (and they do) our disappointment turns to anger because we fail to see that God is behind the disappointment, either purposing it or permitting it, as always for our good.
How can we overcome anger due to disappointment? Only by realizing that God has allowed it for reasons He may or may not allow us to understand in this life. Paul wrote, “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” (II Corinthians 4:17-18, NKJV). We must learn to see the invisible God who is always working behind the scenes on our behalf for our good. Until we see that, we will never overcome disappointment.
Finally, we must realize that God is always more concerned with how we handle the hurt than who has hurt us. God will deal with those who have hurt us; we need to leave them to Him. If we fail to properly handle the hurt that comes upon us, it will destroy us and all those around us.
“‘Be angry, and do not sin’: do not let the sun go down on your wrath.” (Ephesians 4:26, NKJV). Not all anger is bad; Jesus overturned the moneychangers tables in anger.
I got the anger part down; however, the “do not sin” part is what I still struggle with.
We need to deal with our disappointment before the sun goes down, not hanging on to it until it consumes us.
We must give it to God and trust Him to bring His plan and purpose for our lives to pass in His time. Either all things are working together for us or they are not. Our actions and attitudes are shaped by our answer to that question.
13 comments:
This is an awesome post. This an area I really need to work on, As I post on el's blog I am very angry over what I saw last week that little Amanda beaten to death by her step mom, and to be honest it was not righeous anger, I wanted to put my hands around that women throat and choke her and I am afraid if the police had not been there I would of.
Your writing about unforgivenss is so true Im not there yet,but I am working on it, I need to forgive my dad for the abuse that I got when I was a child. It is one thing to say God forgives us our sins but like you said to really know the depths of his forgiveness is another thing and that is where I want to be so that I can forgive in my heart.
I tried to email you but it came back to me, could you email me at
mbrucker2@cox.net and then I can forward what I wrote to you
Maryb
maryb: Forgiveness is hard; in fact, it is impossible apart from the power of the Holy Spirit. I am reminded of Corrie Ten Boom; at Ravensbrook concentration camp, she became bitter towards the Germans. Finally she went into the bathroom to be alone with the Lord and admitted that she hated the Nazi's; that she knew that she was wrong; and asked the Lord to replace the bitterness in her heart with love. Over the course of the next few months, that is exactly what He did. God bless you maryb; He will accomplish His work in your life.
great post randall. I've struggled with anger all my life, similiar upbringing as you. Forgiveness is the key to the door of the prison cell of anger.
"Forgiveness is the key to the door of the prison cell of anger."
Excellent comment Mike.
Very Good post Pastor.
Forgiveness to me means giving up my rights. I heard a message recently that made an impression on me...The Pastor said "When we are angry with someone..what we are feeling is that we can do it better--it is a pride issue". I had to think hard about that. But when you mention the things that set us off--yes, it is pride because "we" wouldn't do that, or we can do it better.
When you were brought up with impatient parents who were demanding and never satisfied, you tend to bring that into your own relationships. It is a control issue with me. I never had control as a child--control gives us power and as believers, we are to submit to God's authority and let go of our own, so it is also a matter of submission.
I think you are getting to the issues of the heart which is what ultimately can cause us to evaluate our salvation and "work it out" with fear and trembling. To think the Lord may come back soon and I am not ready---there's still so much to submit to~
Thanks for your posts.
We ought to be willing to change and submit to the Lord's work in our lives. And pray for eachother, not split hairs over doctrinal issues that keep us away from the real issues--our walk with the Lord. Submitting to His Lordship over our lives. That is my daily struggle.
Be blessed!
Chosen4Him
BTW, if I choose "open ID" is my e-mail exposed here? So I am choosing anonymous.
John Macarthur so eloquently says:
"God is not concerned about what we do apart from what we are. That's because who we are results in what we do."
Chosen
Dear Anonymous: I'm not sure about you email exposure. However, if you want to remain anonymous, that is fine. Thanks for your insight.
Grace and peace...
"How can we overcome anger due to disappointment? Only by realizing that God has allowed it for reasons He may or may not allow us to understand in this life."
This I struggle with. It's probably the single greatest obstacle in my walk right now. Why?
Because, to put it simply, what if the thing I desire most on this earth is not something God will allow, for whatever reason?
I can cite chapter and verse that proves what I want is His perfect will...but that doesn't mean it's His sovereign will.
And most importantly, what does that say about my (lack of?) maturity as a Christian, if I'm still having problems letting go of "earthly" things?
Bentwingedbird,
Why is that your name?
It is kind of sad to me because a bird with a bent wing can't fly.
You say "Anger because of disappointment.."
You are right that when we don't get our way we are disappointed and you are right that there may be something we want, or a reaction from someone that we want, that we don't get.
For instance--making a great meal for someone who says "I'll skip dinner tonight"-we all do things for others and expect the response we want. Are we doing it for them, or for us? The intentions of course are to do unto others, yet we do want some kind of reinforcement.
But why do we want that response?
I should be able to serve others for the Lord not for myself, so when I don't get the response I expect it shouldn't matter.
Our feelings get hurt, and rather than share hurt feelings we turn them into anger, so the person never even knows that they have hurt us.
Ultimately, what I have found in my mind is that God keeps bringing me around the same "ol mountain, and I feel defeated so much of the time, because I am getting in the way of His work in me.
Letting go of my "rights" is the hardest. I have no rights in Christ. This flesh is some challenge to the Spirit in us.
Sadly, the enemy will use our shortcomings with our families to tell us "You are failing. Your kids will be lost...etc etc" If we fail our kids, I think the best thing to do which is what I learned is to tell them we messed up and that we are not perfect. I do it all the time.
Some of us had an earlier start as a believer than others.
I really got much out of your post.
It is inspiring to read about others who are struggling and seeking the Lord in their lives, and how He is working in their lives. So many profess to have this perfect walk.
Anonymous -
My name is one of the nicknames of my favorite fighter of all time - the Navy/Marine F4U Corsair. :)
You mentioned giving up our "rights"...and you're very correct in that. I can look over the history of my relationship with my wife and children and see where I've served them with an attitude of entitlement.
I did have a talk with our oldest last fall, to tell him some of the things I had learned about myself, to apologize for the way I had treated him. I think it went over well. I am blessed in that our oldest has a very forgiving heart, and doubly blessed that God began His change in me in time for the oldest to see it.
In reality, I think a lot of it comes down to pride. We get to thinking that we deserve this, that or the other thing (for whatever reason), and when we don't get it we suffer disappointment.
We are called to be servant leaders. To often we want to be leaders and skip the servant part. I'm learning (albeit slowly) that it is impossible to be a servant leader and have pride at the same time. The two just don't play well together.
When I looked at Jesus' time on earth, I realized that He came in humility, even though He had the power of God. He didn't lord Himself over anybody, or go around expecting people to fall at His feet, or demanding this or that. He came to serve, in humility, that we could be saved.
To sum up, one can say that pride leads to disappointment, and disappointment to leads to anger, and anger leads to sin.
Letting go of rights is hard...especially if you fear rejection or pain or other negative consequences. For me, it's a daily battle....ultimately, I hope to have the faith to trust God to be my protector, and know that whatever comes my way He will give sustain me.
Bent,
Glad you are still able to fly!
I just had a good cry..
My oldest 15 yr old daughter is spreading her wings. Just called from school that she wants to stay with friends for a movie. I went through her entire life in 10 minutes and wept like a baby.
So many missed opportunities. So many times I was too busy to play with her because I was doing something. Her coming to the computer room and asking me when I was going to be done. Thinking I had to study- I had a ministry. I had a "mission". Now when you want to spend time with them, it seems too late...it is all about their friends.
Our first ministry is to our family.
Everything else comes next.
I will say this to anyone reading.
DO NOT put anything above your children--even for the sake of evangelism and all your work for the Lord. They grow up so fast. Everyone tells you that but until it happens, you just don't think the day is coming.
There is nothing like "I should have"'s in life. All of a sudden, they are grown up.
Sorry for this sad post...
Spend time with your kids while there is still time...and they are still willing..
Great post and comments!
It is so key for us to remember that in Christ Jesus there is no longer right and wrong. Only Grace. That's the mistake Adam and Eve made in the garden. They chose the knowledge of Good and Evil (self dependence - their own intellectual understanding of right and wrong) over The Tree of Life (complete dependence on God).
When we consider and begin to "reckon" as fact all that God has done for us out of Grace (covered our sin with His Son's Blood, put to death our Sinful nature on the cross in His Son, made Jesus to then sit at His right hand and even made us to sit there too, gave us new life by the indwelling of His Spirit and made us Sons of God, and the countless blessings He continues to give us) it becomes a more natural reaction to want to show that same Grace to others.
And that is what He calls us to. To continue the ministry Jesus started. To be the One New man, with Jesus as the Head and us as the members of His Body.
But, we still struggle with the carnal nature of the flesh. It's desires can be so overwhelming at times. Our goal is to put the flesh under submission to the Spirit. And learning to do so, is a process.
Praise God that the victory is already won. That all of our sins, past present and future have been dealt with. A historical fact. As the Lord's last words on the cross reveal, "It is finished"
We fight from victory. It's important to remember our position in Christ, made to sit with Him as Sons of God, so that we might walk as a witness among men, and stand against the attacks of the enemy.
The book of Ephesians has these three points and they work in no other order:
Sit- our position in Christ
Walk- Our witness among men
Stand- The ability to fend off the attacks of Satan
We are unable to walk properly or stand against the accusations of Satan without first "reckoning to be true" what Christ has accomplished for us.
This lesson has been freeing to me in dealing with anger and bitterness towards others. I still stumble, but the Lord brings back to my memory what He has done for me, and that He did it for them as well. And I have no right to judge them. Only to show the same portion of Grace to them as He has shown me.
I hope these words will help many of you with this issue as it has helped me to gain perspective of the truth.
In His Love and Grace,
Scott
Scott,
Have you any pearls of wisdom with bringing the flesh under submission to the Spirit? I know what Paul says..he "beats" his body to be under submission..I knwo being in the Word does keep us in the Spirit. But our personalities are formed so young ans we have so much that seems to be programmed. We are born with personalities- I think some are more able to submit than others. So you agree? That and of course our life experiences.
I ask you about your "pearls" because many times, in sheer desperation I have cried out to the Lord to help me to rest in Him and be Spirit led, and have pleaded "what do I do"? and the Lord has spoken to my heart and said "I will do it through you..you just have to abide in me", and I really have no concept of how to "do" this... it is like the mind can't come to terms with this...so when this has happened it is as if my mind goes back and forth.. to the fact that I can't "do" anything but abide, which brings me back to "how do I do that" which then brings me back to "let Me work in you and submit". I am getting it slowly, but it is about really making a conscious effort to really experience when we are reacting, and when we are resting. (It is so hard to express these kinds of things that are experienced and can't truly be put into words)
Am I the only one who doesn't get how I can do something I can't do?
I do know I am slowly getting better but I guess I want to "arrive" at the place of complete surrender and the peace and joy that would bring.
I like the SIT, WALK and STAND
Very good--thanks
Post a Comment