Anger

I have been encouraged by two new friends (el, maryb) to write on the subject of anger. I feel that I am qualified as, much to my shame, I have struggled with anger for most of my life.

I grew up in a home full of violence and anger. Family holidays were times of arguing and fighting – we put the “D” in dysfunctional. So, anger became a learned trait for me. I dealt with every issue, every problem, every issue with anger.

Coming to know Jesus as Saviour, I soon learned that anger was something that I would struggle with even as a Christian. The shame I felt was, at times, overwhelming. How could God use me? How could this work together for my good?

I have found that anger stems from at least two issues: Un-forgiveness and disappointment.

Un-forgiveness:

When you hold onto anger, you run the risk of a root of bitterness chocking out the grace of God in your life. You find yourself angry, not only at the one who wronged you, but also at those you love. You take your anger out on those around you, poisoning them with your bitterness in the process. The most ridiculous things can set you off; spilled milk (literally!); traffic (why do all these idiots need to be on the road and in my way?); anything and everything can and will set you off. The result is that you will soon find yourself alone.

There is a sick pleasure in holding on to un-forgiveness; after all, they have hurt or wronged you and therefore deserve your contempt and anger. Un-forgiveness stems from a lack of understanding the depth of forgiveness God has towards you.

Jesus in the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant, tells the story of a man who was forgiven an immeasurable debt only to refuse to forgive one who owed him $25. The result? “Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?' And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. ‘So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.’” (Matthew 18:32-35, NKJV). I do believe that only those who have been forgiven can truly forgive; therefore if you cannot (or will not) forgive others, you must ask yourself, “Am I really saved?”

The problem is that there are those who call themselves Christians who deny major parts of the Bible they disagree with – those parts that threaten their desire to hold grudges or harbor hates or bitterness. Now, how can one call themselves a Christian and harbor these feelings? There are those who say they have forgiven others, yet they refuse to forget the sin against them. You cannot forgive without forgetting. Jeremiah writes of the forgiveness that God gives to those who seek his forgiveness: “For I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.” (Jeremiah 31:34, NKJV).

So how do you forgive others? Only by realizing the depth of sin that God has forgiven you. David refused to forgive his son, Absalom, for the murder of his other son Amnon (who had raped Absalom’s sister, Tamar. David allowed Absalom to return to Jerusalem, but refused to allow him to see him, failing to forgive Absalom; the result was the rebellion of Absalom against David and the ultimate death of Absalom. Had David realized the depth of sin the Lord had forgiven him, he would have had no trouble forgiving Absalom. We must allow the Spirit to convince us of the immeasurable debt we have been forgiven; then, and only then, will we be able to forgive others.

Disappointment:

Disappointment can, and often does, lead to anger issues. There are many disappointments in life, even in the life of the Christian. There are things that our heavenly Father knows that we should not have in life. In His love, he has denied us these things, knowing that they can hinder us in our relationship with Him.

Disappointment comes from a variety of sources; people fail us; people lie to us; people make promises they cannot keep. When they fail (and they do) our disappointment turns to anger because we fail to see that God is behind the disappointment, either purposing it or permitting it, as always for our good.

How can we overcome anger due to disappointment? Only by realizing that God has allowed it for reasons He may or may not allow us to understand in this life. Paul wrote, “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” (II Corinthians 4:17-18, NKJV). We must learn to see the invisible God who is always working behind the scenes on our behalf for our good. Until we see that, we will never overcome disappointment.

Finally, we must realize that God is always more concerned with how we handle the hurt than who has hurt us. God will deal with those who have hurt us; we need to leave them to Him. If we fail to properly handle the hurt that comes upon us, it will destroy us and all those around us.

“‘Be angry, and do not sin’: do not let the sun go down on your wrath.” (Ephesians 4:26, NKJV). Not all anger is bad; Jesus overturned the moneychangers tables in anger.

I got the anger part down; however, the “do not sin” part is what I still struggle with.

We need to deal with our disappointment before the sun goes down, not hanging on to it until it consumes us.

We must give it to God and trust Him to bring His plan and purpose for our lives to pass in His time. Either all things are working together for us or they are not. Our actions and attitudes are shaped by our answer to that question.